Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
