we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
