Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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