i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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