New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
