Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
