I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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