so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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