i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
In America we eat man semen.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
