After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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