Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
