i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
