Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
