Already got asked if we're dating
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
