How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
