Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
