i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
