I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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