we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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