walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
