I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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