party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
