That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
