I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Randomize
