I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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