Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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