as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
