Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
