Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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