Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
