Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
