Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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