Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
