I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
