I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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