tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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