She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize