last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
