she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
