all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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