I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
