I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
