You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize