I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
