He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
