i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
