the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize