I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
