nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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