Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
