my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
