There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
