It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
