it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
