not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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