I look better un-naked...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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